Peggy's Letters
by 8belles
Summary: Peggy does some "therapeutic letter writing" thinking Steve will never read it to help her cope with her thankless job at the Post WWII SSR. What does she reveal to the love of her life after he is thawed out? Set after CA:WS. Updates as the series continues. ** MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS TO EPISODES as I update. Contains Steve, Bucky, Tony Stark and other characters too.
1. Discoveries

Peggy's Letter.

Steve sat at his kitchen table, much the way he had when looking through the old SSR files that Fury had given him after they thawed him out. Hands in his lap, the manila folder before him bore one name: Agent Margaret Carter. Widow had dug it up while cleaning house after her Congressional hearing. He wasn't sure why Natasha had this, but was grateful she had given it to him.

With a deep sigh and tired blue eyes, red rimmed from tears, he flipped it open and smiled warmly at the staff photo of Peggy, her coffee brown curls and vivid lipstick rendered in eloquent shades of grey and black.

The files were the typical ones that he'd expect; missions from the European theater, her work with Stark, Phillips and her early days in New York with the SSR after the war. The papers were faded, the edges fragile, fracturing under his fingertips and the ink from the old Olympia Portable typewriter still crisp. He could smell the patina of age and cigarettes in the file. Bunched within those antiquated papers was a creamy looking ivory envelope which caught his eye. Frowning slightly, he pulled the envelope out from the stack of aged yellow report forms. With a gentle touch, he opened the envelope to find a sheaf of letters on matching stationary.

Her handwriting was as crisp as if her pen had just touched the paper. His heart leapt into his throat as he caressed the impeccable penmanship. Swallowing his grief down, he began to read:

_April, 1946_

_Dear Steve, _

_I read in an Army manual for reintroduction to civilian life, that it may be useful for former military to write down their feelings in letters to themselves or loved ones to assist in processing their emotions associated with the war. _

_While I am not certain this is based on sound science, I feel a compelling need to express myself to you now. You will never read this however, pardon me for feeling self indulgent, this will help me sleep better tonight. _

He blinked back a smile with tears threatening. This was an unexpected gift she had given him. He imagined Carter at her desk writing this by lamplight, softly playing the radio, a graceful hand with immaculate nail polish holding a lacquered fountain pen. Reading on he continued her narrative:

_Working at the SSR in New York has been an adjustment. While most of the agents are veterans, and I deeply appreciate their service, I do not command the same respect from them as I did during the war. This is immensely irritating. But work will be done, although surreptitiously. I would explain myself further, but some secrets must be kept discrete. _

Her handwriting took an abrupt turn from neat and tidy to more messy as if she was suddenly overcome with emotion. Examining the paper closer, he saw hints of watermarks on the stationary. Tightness gripped his chest as he guessed she may have broken down crying while writing this. Trying to steady his hands as he read:

_I will make an admission to you, and I dearly wish you could have heard me say this, but I miss you terribly Steve. No one here understands my sense of purpose like you did. It has been a few months since the end of the war and there is not a day I do not think fondly of you. _

_There are many questions I have about what could have been between us in the future. I see many soldiers returning and ladies getting married, forming families, but I am here alone. Steve, our time together was so short, yet I feel we have shared a lifetime of love in the blink of an eye. _

Steve noticed the handwriting tidied up again as if she was punishing herself for letting her wayward thoughts get the best of her. His soul shrank a bit thinking of the crushing loneliness she faced. It was something he was well acquainted with.

_Look at the time. I cannot be late for work. Already enough being a lady without stirring up other gossip and slander against me. _

_Perhaps I'll try this another time. I did find it somewhat therapeutic. _

_Peggy. _

The letter ended abruptly. Steve realized he was holding his breath as if more words would suddenly appear perhaps by magic. When they didn't, Rogers held the paper like it was made of glass, so tenderly in his grip. He could pretend to smell her perfume and remember her uncompromising deep brown gaze. He didn't cry for her, but did what he thought she would appreciate; he tidied up the file and set that letter with the rest so that her secrets would be kept, as she said it 'discrete'.

With a heavy heart, he closed the envelope. No more reading today because he knew, deep down, he was not strong enough to bear her pain. Perhaps when the moment was right, he'd read on to see what Peggy was left to face, while he was below the ice. It was just one more interrupted chapter in the story of their lives.

**A/N- I was so psyched and inspired after watching the show, I wrote this at 11 pm, so I am sorry if it seems a bit off klter. Don't worry... I feel the chapters will get better. Thanks**


	2. Promises and Regrets

**A/N—so disappointed that my local station is broadcasting a basketball game therefore I can't watch Ep 3. on the night it is broadcast. To the internet I will go later! I humbly submit this in lieu of a direct episode related chapter. **

Peggy's Letters

Rogers stared, wide eyed, at the ceiling; one arm tucked behind his head the other across his chest deep in thought. The darkness of his bedroom felt like a stifling blanket although it was mid winter. Next door, he could hear Barnes snoring loudly, which was a good thing. A tiny uptick in the corner of Steve's mouth betrayed the small delight he received knowing his best friend was getting a decent sleep and his PTSD demons were temporarily at bay.

Blinking slowly, he acknowledged the fact there was going to be no rest for him this evening. Outside his Brooklyn apartment, a siren wailed and a cat gave a lonesome caterwaul. His mind wandered to the letters had found in the SSR file given to him by Natasha. That envelope was one of the last things Peggy touched and it felt like a tangible line to her spirit. A tear ran, unexpectedly, down his temple into his pillow as he thought of the brilliant woman he knew who was betrayed by her own mind.

Getting up from bed, he shoved his feet roughly into his house slippers and padded quietly to the kitchen. Flipping on one light over the table, he made himself some coffee and as if by autopilot went to the location of the file where Peggy's letters were stored. Catching his hand about to open the closet door, he paused. "You might not want to pull that thread." Natasha had warned him about Bucky and his Russian file. Stubborn Rogers did it anyway and pulled that thread hard.

Barnes was one thing, a brother, a best friend, and a comrade in arms. Peggy; she was a force of nature unto herself. Steve found himself leaning back against the wall, arms crossed, his shoulders shaking lightly with mirth. _Margaret Carter, you were one heck of a lady_, he smiled to himself and opened the closet.

If he was not going to sleep tonight, at least he would be in the good company of Peggy's thoughts.

_April, 1946_

_Steve, _

_My goodness, it feels so odd yet reassuring to write your name on paper. It is as if my spelling your name keeps you from __dying,__ disappearing from the world. Sometimes, I find myself just saying your name to calm myself when the day has gotten too much for me to bear. I endeavor to keep those days to an absolute minimum. _

Steve found the opening of her second letter much more tender than her typical take-charge attitude. A small warmth filled his chest that reminded him that they did have something timeless.

_Today, Agent Sousa discovered me looking at the Operation Rebirth file box. The Vita Ray detector was what I required. Reminiscing about you is a luxury I strictly forbid myself at the office, but your photograph caught me unawares. He appeared to have some sympathy for me by the look on his face, as if he felt he was intruding upon a private moment. Using his own war injury to cover the awkwardness of our exchange, it made me recollect an earlier occasion between you and I that I had not thought of in quite a long time…._

Steve knew exactly which one she was talking about. Letting his mind wander with the letter's details, the moment returned, vividly.

* * *

><p><strong>North of France, 1943<strong>

"Make way! Wounded coming in!" the loud shouts and waving arms of Dum Dum Dugan cleared the camp like Moses parting the seas. Behind him, the Commandos brought men on stretchers, some slumped between friends staggering along. Peggy stuck her head out of her grey canvas tent to see who was injured, praying silently that Steve was not among the wounded. Her hopes were rapidly dashed as she saw the tall red, white and blue uniform half hung over his best friend, Bucky, who bowed beneath Roger's weight. A cold hand squeezed her heart, making feel as if it would burst with in her chest.

The camp scrambled to accommodate the injured as doctors and field nurses called out for supplies. "Get me some gauze!" one would shout.

"Morphine! Clamps!" yelled another.

"Bone saw!" a third.

The commotion was deafening but Peggy had her eyes and ears on one man only. She walked smartly across the muddy ground, ducking into the infirmary tent under the faded canvas flap with the red cross. The smell of blood was overpowering. Low moans of agony softly reverberated through the space.

"Easy there, big guy. Easy." Barnes groaned as he set Rogers down on a bed, blood streaking down his face onto his torn shirt. Peggy wasn't sure if it was his or Steve's.

"Thanks… bud." Steve's voice was breathy, face pinched in pain, "Always… there. For me."

"Yeah, shut your trap, you rascal. Doc's going to be here soon." Barnes glanced anxiously down at Cap but then nervously searched the room for help. He didn't even notice Peggy standing there across the bed from him.

"Doctor! Captain America needs assistance!" Peggy announced crisply before she realized that perhaps Rogers wasn't the most seriously wounded. Almost instantly, a physician appeared and began to examine Steve.

"Peggy… no. Let the others… get help first." Cap groaned, grasping her hand with a mud-stained red glove.

Bucky looked at Carter hard, a hint of jealousy that he quickly blinked away, "He's right."

"Don't be absurd. If there is no Captain America, then who will guide the Commandos?" She brusquely defended herself.

"But I have … super serum." Steve smiled faintly as the doctor continued to assess his injuries. Barnes and Carter said nothing in return but studied the doctor who poked through the torn fabric of his uniform.

"I'll have to stitch up that shoulder wound… looks like a larger cal bullet. Once we do that, he'll be fine. Nurse! Put some gauze on this to slow the bleeding." The doctor stated, "Excuse me, there are more seriously wounded I need to attend to first."

Carter thanked the physician and then looked down at Steve, who was still holding her hand, "I told you so." A mischievous twinkle played in his eyes.

"Steven Rogers, you are the most stubborn, willful man I have ever met!" Carter retorted simultaneously loving him and disliking him at the same time for making her look a fool. Glancing briefly at Barnes, she turned on her heel, she departed the tent like a storm front.

Bucky looked down at his best friend and gave a lopsided grin, "I think she likes you."

* * *

><p><strong>Today:<strong>

Steve relaxed into his chair at the table. The coffee cup was half full and the barest hint of daybreak began to dim the stars that the streetlights didn't already. The memory of that day was as fresh as if it happened just hours ago:

_Peggy had visited him as often as seemed appropriate, which to Bucky was too often, after all, Steve was his to care for, not her._

"_So, Captain America can be injured?" Peggy sat primly on the empty bed across from him, hands in her lap over her brown wool uniform skirt. The tent was rather unoccupied, except for the most seriously injured who remained unaware of any visitors. The doctors and nurses had made last rounds already but despite the ample space, Peggy felt almost too close to Steve. The sensation both terrified and delighted her simultaneously. _

"_Apparently so." Steve replied, acutely aware that he was shirtless. The bandage bound tightly around his shoulder and chest had begun to itch as his wounds quickly knit themselves back together. He felt his cheeks coloring. Rogers had a hard time meeting her eyes. _

"_Well, I am glad you wear well." Peggy commented dryly enjoying his discomfiture, " I was afraid we'd have to replace you."_

_Steve scoffed, eyebrows furrowed over his blue eyes, "With who?" _

_Peggy wrapped an extra blanket about his shoulders to ease his embarrassment, "Oh, who knows. Perhaps someone who isn't as harebrained as you. Certainly not Barnes. He is about as batty as you are."_

"_Harebrained!" Steve sputtered, ignoring the dig at James. _

_Sitting back down, Peggy smiled a sly crimson smile, "And it was one of the most brilliant missions you've had yet. Apart from being shot."_

"_They were lucky." Rogers eased off realizing she was teasing him and not criticizing him. If Peggy ever found fault with him, he felt two inches tall. He never, ever wanted to let her down. Only She and Bucky deserved his utmost best and it would kill him if he did not honor that promise._

* * *

><p>Reality jerked him awake as he found he had drifted off at the table. The last memory was of his oath to never let Peggy or Bucky down. Bitterness filled his mouth as he realized he had done just that; let both of them down for the last seventy years. He had a chance to fix that with Barnes. He and Carter would never have that opportunity. The urge to weep began to creep up his torso to his throat, but he swallowed it down, angrily. She wouldn't want him to cry.<p>

His eyes found the open letter again on the table, her rich handwriting in impeccable script staring back at him. Fingering the paper, he decided to forgo the rest of the text and look at the signature: _Forever yours, Peggy_.

Yes, she forever was his and he would always love her. Someday, he'd make up that vow he never got to tell her in person, but until then, it would have to wait.


	3. A Death in the Family

Peggy's Letters 3

**A/N… I **bought **Ep3 from Amazon because I didn't want to WAIT till Sunday for a rebroadcast. I finally saw it. So here is a episode inspired chapter**. **Stupid basketball.** **By the way, I love fountain pens. My father uses one, and I also enjoy them. They pre-date ball points by a long shot. **

"Fury is a _total ass_." Bucky grumbled under his breath, dragging himself wearily across the threshold of the apartment, dropping equipment as he went. His weapons belt fell first with a heavy thunk, the guns he was more gingerly with and the knives in their sheaths clattered to the floor.

The neighbor downstairs applied a broom handle generously to Steve's floor or their ceiling, depending how you looked at it.

"Ahh, shuddup." Barnes complained softly as he trudged to the kitchen table and flopped ungracefully down upon it, still coated in the smoke, blood spatter and dust of battle.

Steve stepped lighter, although no more energetically into their home. "Bucky… you can't blame him."

"Blame him! Of course I do! He didn't give us the right intel! The target was _watching_ us at the tip site. We were set up!" Barnes gave Steve a cold look; "We barely made it out of there with our skins!"

"Ok, ok. Just keep your voice down. I don't want another eviction notice." Cap replied, shedding his equipment as well but putting it down more carefully. Resignedly stripping off the top of his battle suit, he chucked it into the laundry basket on the floor. Woolite did wonders for Kevlar.

Barnes saw the injury before Rogers could say something to deny it. "Steve. You're bleeding."

"Oh are you Captain Obvious now?" Rogers growled, looking over his shoulder. A ceramic knife blade had found a chink in his armor. A long gash traced its way across his shoulder blade. Not stitches-worthy, but certainly more than a band aide. More sewing for him to do on his shirt.

Barnes sighed, standing up from the table. "Let me get the kit. Always somethin' with you Rogers. Always somethin'." A brotherly smile tickled at Rogers's lips. Bucky was his guard dog, always had been, always will be apparently.

Bucky washed his hands and set to patching up Steve from their mission, which virtually failed. Only corpses remained and those dead were not talking any time soon. The main plot was foiled, but there was some other unattended business that needed to be addressed but their target seemed one step ahead of them.

"You ok now?" James asked Steve, his sapphire eyes filled with fraternal worry.

"Right as rain." Cap replied, feeling the snug bandage over his knife wound.

"I'm showering, now that you're patched up." Barnes muttered like a grouchy mother hen and shuffled towards his bedroom.

"Couldn't do it without you, pal." Steve quipped with a bit of humor in his voice, leaning an arm on the kitchen table.

Barnes looked back at the blonde man like a disgruntled parent, "Damn straight. Don't forget it, punk." Steve snorted at the sarcastic remark, but he knew Bucky was right. He really couldn't do it without him.

James reappeared briefly, still cursing quietly about Fury to himself, to walk into their shared bathroom. Steve watched him silently until he closed the door. Bucky would be in there for hours. No matter how many times Steve talked to James about their water bill, Barnes just waved Cap's concerns away stating he had been too many years in deep freeze and dammit, he _deserved_ a hot shower!

Tired as he was, Steve felt the urge to read one of Peggy's letters. Now that James was preoccupied, he had all the time in the world.

_April 1946_

_ Krzeminski is dead. _

The words leapt off the paper in un-smudged black ink in a heavy hand. For a moment, Steve wondered if Peggy had written this or if someone else had stuck it into her envelope; it was so unlike her previous letters. Frowning and rubbing his chin thoughtfully, he continued:

_Last night, a tip was called in to SSR about stolen Stark technology we had been looking for. Ray and Daniel took the tip and made huge find. While arresting the goon guarding it and transporting him to lock up, Krzeminski was assassinated, along with the prisoner. _

_ Jack told me it was a professional hit. Apparently, the assassin had been watching them the whole time and followed them in the car. _

_ It could have been me. Ray offered me his shift. That two timing bastard offered me his shift. _

At the end of the word 'shift' there was a heavy black ink stain. She had pushed the nib of the pen very hard into the paper to make it bleed like that. Steve pondered what she might have been feeling at that moment. Was she angry she didn't take the shift? Was that the chance she wanted to prove herself to the men that she was ten times their worth?

Was she frightened that she might have been the one killed? That thought iced over his mind like a terrible chill and scared him, although it obviously did not happen. The concept of her being in peril while he slumbered in cryosleep was horrifying to him. Shaking it off, he moved his thoughts forward.

Afraid? No. Peggy was braver than him with the heart of a lion. She would never be afraid. Peeved that someone got the jump on her, yes, but not afraid. Curious and confused, he read on to the next sentence after the inkblot.

_My secrets are mine to keep. But this time, someone else paid a price for my confidences._

_ Rest in Peace, Ray Krzeminski, although you were a scoundrel and a cad, you were an Agent. _

_ Peggy_

"Peggy…. What were you up to? What did you mean 'your confidences'?" Steve questioned to the air noticing the similarity of her operation to Bucky's and his work tonight. Both had been sabotaged from the inside or someone close perhaps laying traps?

The running water in the shower stopped, making Steve look up at the closed door. Quickly folding the letters back into their ivory envelope, he stashed them away. "Think I left you a few drops, Rogers." Bucky swaggered out of the shower to his room, a trail of steam following.

"How kind." Steve replied easily but knowing his shower would feel as cold as Peggy's guilt laced words. Another time, he vowed. He'd find out what was going on in Peggy's life if it was the last thing he did.


	4. Betrayal

Peggy's Letters 4

The note was short, scrawled in pencil on a piece of notebook paper instead of her standard ivory stationary with the ink pen.

_April 1946_

_You… I held you in my hands tonight. _

Steve was confused looking at her opening sentence. It seemed she was always writing in the heights of her emotions and it was hard for him to decipher her meaning.

_You. The last bit of you. I held it in glass. It was as red as the stripes on your shield and uniform. I am utterly surprised I wasn't shaking in grief, but I was not aware it was your blood at the time. _

Steve blinked, shocked for Peggy but not surprised that some of his blood they drew after Erskine died was in SSR and Stark's possession. It was well known they were trying to replicate the super soldier serum.

_Howard lied to me as I am trying to help clear his name. He said it was a 'blitzkrieg' switch and he needed it back from the SSR. I was so blind in my trust. I thought he was a friend! How foolish I was to his schemes. _

_ My knuckles are still sore, somewhat, from punching him in the eye. _

Initially Steve's mood turned dark knowing Howard had used Peggy, but then he smirked knowing how hard she had probably hit Stark. "That's my girl." Steve mused out loud, cheek pillowed on his knuckles at the kitchen table.

_I was a ship lost at sea, Steve. My mission in the SSR was blurred by what I interpreted was the best interests of my friend. How wrong I was and it was Howard's audacious dishonesty that brought me to my senses. I strayed from my- our- mission- to protect democracy at all costs. _

_ Most of all, he dishonored your memory. _

_ The last remains I have of you, besides my memories, are safe. I rather be the keeper of your secrets than betray them to Howard Stark. _

_ Peggy_

Steve folded the small note and reinserted it with the longer letters. Sitting back he wondered how he'd feel if a small part of Peggy was with him still. Looking toward his entrance hall, there was the black and white portrait of Peggy still looking as beautiful as the day they parted. "No, I don't need a part of you. You're still here." he said softly and put the letters away for another day.


	5. Anything You can Do, I can do Better

Peggy's Letters 5

Bucky tucked into the pot roast with gusto, almost humming with pleasure as he mopped up the gravy with a homemade biscuit, "Steve. Where did you get his recipe? Did Sharon make it? You got it from her, I'm sure of it. Or was it that little grocery down the street?"

Steve smiled across the table at his best friend, toggling his beer bottle from hand to hand, "I looked it up. Seemed like something Mom would have made… if she had the money."

Bucky paused, mid-chew, regarding Rogers for a moment, "So when did you learn to cook?" James never recalled Steve lifting a finger around the kitchen because he was usually laid up in bed, sick. Barnes did all the cooking, if you wanted to call it that.

"Bucky." Steve smiled, "This isn't 1942 any more. Guys cook. They cook decent meals too. The have whole TV shows devoted to guys that cook." Cap watched Bucky's eyebrows rise in surprise, "And ladies love a guy who can… cook."

Barnes finished chewing and washed it down with a swig of beer, "Then Steve, you can watch as much TV as you need, if you keep cooking like this."

Later that night, Steve lay in bed, Peggy's letters on his nightstand. The lamp made a warm yellow light upon the smooth paper and her flowing hand. He had read the short choppy note about Stark hiding his blood sample earlier and was surprised her next letter seemed to be on the same day or week. Her next topic must have bothered her greatly because she rarely wrote back-to-back correspondences.

One arm tucked behind his pillow, he propped the paper on his chest with his other hand, settling in for another look into the life of his beloved Peggy.

_April 1946_

_ Dearest Steve, _

_My earlier shock from this week has faded enough for me to ponder another event that has perturbed me greatly, although I see no clear solution to it in the immediate future. _

_When we served together, I knew we were equals on the battlefield. You always made that clear that you respected my opinions and contributions, although I am sure you were second guessing yourself when I tested your shield with that pistol in Stark's lab. _

Steve let out a small nervous laugh. That day was as bright in his mind as if it happened yesterday: Stark handing him his unpainted vibranium shield and Peggy putting several shots into it as her way of expressing her displeasure catching him kissing that lieutenant. "Peggy… it wasn't my fault." he said softly with a smile, running his fingers over the lettering with affection. Steve almost heard the mirth in her voice when she wrote that sentence.

The memory of the later conversation between them about the overly forward lieutenant was a heated one. Cap recalled it fondly, looking at the ceiling with a half smile.

"**How dare you! You are no different than the rest." Peggy raged at him in a low hiss between stacks of files, pointing a hard finger at the medals decorating his chest, sparks flying from her chocolate eyes. **

"**How dare me?" Steve looked down at her incredulously; blue eyes wide in amazement, hands open in supplication, "She kissed me first! I mean, it looks like… something else, but it wasn't! Anyway, I thought you and Howard were…. Fonduing."**

**Peggy gazed skyward, rolling her eyes in frustration, "You… you…**_**men**_**!" Turning sharply, she walked away leaving Steve confused and stunned but his heart wildly pounding in his chest. His belly had the sensation of a thousand butterflies in it. Barnes would help him figure this out. James knew so much more about dames than he did.**

Steve vaguely recalled Bucky not being particularly useful when discussing Peggy because he was laughing at his predicament.

**"Wait… wait." James gasped grabbing his middle as if he had a cramp, " You asked her if Stark and her were 'fonduing'?" Doubled over in hilarity, the handsome sergeant leaned on his bedframe to keep from falling to the floor. **

**"Bucky. You are not being helpful." Steve scowled like he used to when he was smaller and being taunted. His shoulders edged forward in a defensive pose. **

** "Do you even know what … 'fonduing' is?" Barnes guffawed out loud and then collapsed into a fit of manly giggles. **

** Steve turned bright red, shoving his hands into his pants pockets roughly, "Of course I … this is pointless."**

** "Ok. Ok. I'll… I'll… stop!" Barnes lost it again in a fit of laughter. Steve departed their quarters in a huff. **

Breaking out of his reverie, Steve returned to the letter before him from Peggy.

_The Commandos knew it and respected me. Even old cantankerous Col. Phillips accepted my strengths to the unit, although I wore a skirt. _

_Agent Dooley left Agent Thompson as our supervisor in his absence. What a horrid mistake. Thompson thinks he's a drill sergeant set on marching us to catch Krzeminski's killer. Needless to say, I am chafing at my assignment as "Agent Lunch Order". _

_Agent Sousa and I have one mutual dislike and that is how Thompson is a complete idiot. In fact, it seems Sousa and I share many similar opinions about how the SSR is being conducted. _

Steve paused feeling a knot in his stomach twitch. Was that a hint of jealousy he was feeling over a fellow war vet? Did he really expect Peggy to remain single after the war? Steve knew she had married and kids, but this admonition hurt just a little bit.

_Thompson seemed to be all knowing when he declared to me that I was trying to upend the nature of the universe and never be the equal of a man. The only other person at the SSR who understands how that feels is Daniel. _

_ My speculation is that he and I will simply have to take over the SSR. The details are still unclear, but I am sure we could somehow manage to stage a coup. This is all in jest of course, no matter how much I am bothered at my current station at the SSR. At this time, I have bigger projects afoot than to "earn" my equality among the men. I know the truth even if they are clueless. _

_ Peggy_

Steve stared at the letter, letting the brief, infantile feeling of jealousy burn away into a molten pool of anger for Peggy_. How dare they downgrade her talents just because she's a woman_, he thought bitterly, blue eyes narrowing. There were not many men at that time that appreciated the contributions of women. If they did, their 'manliness' was in question.

Eyes dropping off the page, Rogers thought back to Bucky's dinner comment: did Sharon make it? Such an innocent comment, but framed in the context of Peggy's letter, it took on more significance.

Putting the letters away, he looked at his notebook of things to check out in the twenty-first century. Flipping to a page he titled "Things That Are Better", he added a note. Right below "No Polio" and "Better Food", he penciled in "Ladies can do what guys do. Peggy beat them all."


	6. Apartment Living

Peggy's Letters 6

**A/N… THANK YOU for the overwhelming reviews/follows. I really wasn't anticipating my work to be that noteworthy. It's like Christmas seeing new comments. I am grateful. Here is something more light hearted. 8belles**

Steve and Bucky talked easily as they moved up the old wood stairs to their apartment. The conversation took an abrupt end when they saw the note stuck on their door:

" Hey dumbasses. Keep it down at night or I'll call the Super. – A neighbor."

James snatched the note off the door angrily, a frown spreading over his face, "What a coward. Can't say it in person, eh?"

"C'mon Buck. Probably just some good ol' New York hospitality." Steve sighed sticking the key into the lock and opening the door, "Y'know, we are not always the quietest people here."

"This ain't an old folks home. Do they know who you are?!"Barnes scowled entering the apartment.

"Well, a few do, but I'm sure our friend here doesn't. Not that it matters." Steve commented offhandedly, thinking briefly about Sharon and her 'infectious ward nurse' ruse she had used before S.H.I.E.L.D. collapsed.

Bucky turned and looked at him wide-eyed, "Not that it matters? Your goddamed Captain America. That should entitle you to make some noise now and again."

Steve smiled widely with a small chuckle, "And the fact you're the worlds most deadly assassin lets you play ACDC at all volumes and times of day?"

Bucky smirked mischievously, rubbing the back of his neck with a hand, "Well… it was a _good song_ and I was cleaning the place. _Hells Bells_ is very… motivational. Like _Stompin' at the Savoy_, but meaner."

"I see." Steve replied knowingly and then chucked a handful of take out menus at him, "Pick something for dinner you disturber of the peace. Maybe some shwarma?"

"Only way I know how to be." Barnes returned with a smile, fingering the assorte fliers and menus.

Steve moved to his room while Bucky perused the list of options. After Peggy's last letter, he was eager to read on as if she had penned some great mystery novel. He figured that he could squeeze in one before James bugged him about dinner. Since Bucky was found and rehabbed, all he seemed to do was eat like a teen-aged boy.

_April 1946_

_ Steve, _

_ When I lived in the field, at camp, the conditions were rough, cold, muddy and foul smelling. I do appologise, but wet, wool clad soldier is __not__ my idea of fine perfume. Col. Phillips had me at his beck and call any day or time and it seemed only at mess hall or in the loo I had a shred of time for myself. _

Steve smiled broadly. Those days of canvas tents, duck fabric cots over wood frames and no dry clothes were not far away in his memory. He never did notice the smells, unless Peggy was near. She always smelled of rose water, which was a pleasant delight.

_ I now reside at the Griffith Hotel, which caters to only single ladies, upon the suggestion of a friend. The women are nice, the food is nutritious and for the most part, there are no foul odors. _

_ Angie is a lovely waitress and aspiring actress who has reached out to me as a friend. It was her idea for me to move across the hall from her. At first, I was hesitant to strike up more friendships being in the line of work I hold. She has a lot of heart and pluck. I can always count on smiling when I talk to her. She even auditioned for a horrid radio program I'll have to inform you about later! _

Steve noticed her hand scratched off that last sentence. He supposed she realized that she wasn't going to see him 'later' and regretted her words. The letter carried on after that omission.

_ Another new addition is Dottie. If I recall correctly, she is from Kansas or some such place. A regular dreamer she is, I suppose trying to make it in the big city. She's pleasant enough for a neighbor. A bit off but nice enough._

_ However there is a catch to this residence. What exactly shall I call her? A headmistress? A governess? A royal pain in my derriere? Yes, that is more to my liking. _

_Miriam Fry has to be the most domineering woman I have ever met in my life. She puts some of the best British school governesses to shame with her overbearing, prattling, pompous personality. Just the other day she was querying if I knew what the Ego and the Id was. My goodness, I read Freud as part of my SSR training at the start of the War. Not very good material at all particularly when it addressed the psychology of ladies. I believe Dr. Freud had some mother issues that need working out. Miriam _certainly_ has a complex about him! I wonder if Freud was still alive and Ms. Fry met him, if she'd swoon! _

_She proceeded to lecture me about my impulse control and that it was her (and I almost vomited) sworn duty to protect the virtue of all the young ladies under her care. How I was able to keep my composure, I am not sure. I was torn between laughing out loud or throttling her. What would she ever think of my military days? The horror! _

Steve chuckled out loud to think of Peggy choking this woman because she had the audacity to suggest that Carter needed "protecting".

_ Regardless, I have used much of my SSR training to avoid her and work on my… projects. Hopefully I will not need to shop about for a new residence soon. I rather like it here, despite the imperious Ms. Fry. _

_ Peggy_

_So, Peggy had apartment living issues too_, Steve smiled slightly, _seems nothing changes_.

Rogers heard a pounding at the door and then Bucky's voice turned up a notch toward angry, "Jus' a minute!"

Putting the letters away again into his nightstand, Cap rose quickly to see what was going on.

"I told you two dorks to be quiet!" a woman's voice followed after James opened the door.

Rogers reached the doorway, where Bucky stood on the verge of menacing, "Hey. What seems to be the problem?"

The blonde stood toe to toe with Barnes scowling, but then saw Steve. In a flash, her face became one of awe, "Oh my God. You… you are …?"

"Steve Rogers. Pleased to meet you. And you are?" Steve went through the routine he was now familiar with. His right hand firmly gripped James' left shoulder concealed in a long sleeved shirt. James took it down a notch.

"Uh. Sarah. Sarah Richardson." She smiled, trying to wipe the incredulous look off her face. "I live downstairs."

"And _you_ left the note?" Barnes asked, his voice low, eyes hooded.

"Yeah. All I hear up here is stupid Bollywood movies. All. The. Time." She frowned again at Bucky, who was still displeased looking, "I thought it was your apartment."

The three listened for a moment and the distinct sound of Indian music came to their ears from the unit to their right. "I'm sorry miss, but I think you didn't read the blueprints to the building correctly." Steve replied with a smirk.

"Well, I am sorry then for bugging you." Sarah smiled sheepishly, "Before I go, can I ask a favor?"

Barnes sighed with an eye roll. He knew what was coming.

"Can I take a selfie with you?" Richardson asked, eyes beaming at Rogers, "Oh .. and you too." She looked at Bucky slightly guilty for excluding him.

"Sure." Cap replied amiably and leaned in with James as Sarah turned around, back to them, phone in hand. With a quick click, the selfie was done.

"Thanks! Sorry again. And nice to meet you!" Sarah moved down to the next door and pounded on it, much like she did theirs.

"Yup." Steve replied and pulled Bucky in with him. _Wonder what Peggy would do about that?_ Steve pondered to himself. _Well, some things do change after all_.


	7. Ghosts

Peggy's Letters 7

**A/N… Wow… Ep 1.05 (or was it 6?) left me with ****SO MUCH**** to ponder. This is the first thing that jumped out at me. Please enjoy while I think about what else Peggy may have told Steve after her first real mission with the SSR. **

**Warning—some heavy stuff here (flashbacks/PTSD)**

Steve heard the screaming coming from Bucky's room in the blackness of night. Bolting upright, he sprang from bed, practically tearing James' door off the hinges.

Barnes lay curled in a fetal position on the floor as if he had thrown himself out of bed. A blood-curdling howl escaped him, "NO. No Not again! I won't do it … again. Please!"

"Bucky! Bucky!" Rogers crouched next to his best friend, who was drenched in sweat, shivering on the hard wood floor.

The howls became sobs, "I won't. I promise. Stop. It… hurts." James remained balled up on the floor, his knees in tight to his chest as if shielding himself from imaginary blows.

Sam had warned Cap that the flashbacks could happen anytime, anywhere and it had been months since Bucky had one. Steve's heart ached for his friend as he gently placed a hand on Barnes' trembling shoulder.

In an explosion of movement, Bucky rocketed away from the touch and cowered against the wall farthest from Cap. His eyes were wild and huge in his face, brown hair plastered to his forehead in strange angles. Steve put his hands up in supplication, speaking softly, "Bucky. It's me, Steve."

Panting, Barnes' expression regarded Rogers as if he were a terrified animal, then softened some as the humanity returned. The red mist faded from his view and all he saw was an alarmed and worried Steve sitting on the floor of the doorway to his room.

A feeling of shame swelled in his mind as James felt his cheeks flush, embarrassed. Running a shaky hand through his sweat stained hair, he uncoiled himself from against the wall. "I did it again, didn't I?" His voice was hoarse from the screaming.

"Yeah." Steve stated plainly, his worry etched on his features.

"Sorry." Bucky whispered, not meeting Rogers' eyes but instead drilling holes through the floor.

"Nothing to be sorry for." Cap replied soothingly, not moving from his spot. "You want something to drink? Eat?"

Bucky inhaled a shaky breath as if he didn't trust his body to not betray him again. Looking around the dark room, he saw his bed sheets torn from the mattress and pillow across the room. "No."

"Wanna talk about it?" Steve offered gently.

James' eyes locked sadly with his suggesting that he would never, ever be free from his demons and they were his burden carry, "They're just memories. Nothing to talk about."

Cap regarded his friend carefully, "Was it the beginning, middle or end?"

Barnes knew what he was asking; was his nightmares from when the Russians turned him in 1945, or between missions or when Pierce was using him. Putting on a brave face, he decided he would indulge Steve to show him he was not afraid of his PTSD. "The beginning." he answered in a firm voice, but still rough.

"How much do you remember?" Steve pressed, leaning on one arm as he sat. Sam suggested it may be useful to help Bucky process by remembering and seeing that his terror was not in the here and now.

Bucky glanced away for a moment then back to Steve, "Too much and not enough." He rose from the floor and began to remake his bed. Rogers stood as well and handed him his pillow. "G'night, Steve."

Rogers nodded seeing that there wouldn't' be any redeeming therapy tonight and James seemed alright enough, "G'night Buck."

Wearily stepping back into his bedroom, Steve was far to alert to sleep again. Looking at his nightstand, he pulled out the sheaf of letters from Peggy. As Steve sat down, he heard Bucky get into bed next door and soon after the sound of soft snoring was heard. Cap smiled slightly, happy that Barnes was able to return to slumber so quickly.

_April 1946_

_Steve, _

_ We made a trip back to Russia recently. I don't want to delve into details here as that would be poor form of me to do so. However, we were successful in gaining some information for the SSR._

_ There were a few peculiar things that I don't recall from our days on that front and I wish you were here so that I could discuss them with you. Your keen insight would have been invaluable with this information._

Steve noted that her handwriting didn't waiver here when she spoke of him in past tense like it had in previous letters. He smiled again. That trip to Russia must have really given her a confidence boost. _Go get'em, Peggy!_ he thought eagerly and read on.

_When reconnoitering the location, we stumbled upon a peculiar room with beds and handcuffs. They appeared to be child sized, which was very curious. Who in their right minds would handcuff children to bed? Unfortunately, Dum Dum found one of the occupants, a young girl, who used her youth as a ruse to fool us into thinking she was harmless. Nothing could be farther from the truth. She escaped us but then we discovered more. _

_ In a separate room, there was evidence of brainwashing activities aimed at young girls. Again, we didn't have time to investigate further, but I remember the scene as clearly as when you recalled those HYDRA manufacturing sites from the Red Skull's lair. I will have to explore this more when I have time back at the SSR. Imagine that, me being too busy with actual SSR work, instead of lunch orders!_

Steve, using his 20/20 hindsight recognized Peggy's description immediately as that of the early Red Room where Black Widows were churned out by the Communists to do their evil bidding. What he read next took his breath away.

_We split off as our team approached the basement looking for signs of our mission. Providence did not yield me the intel I was searching for but another bizarre lab of sorts. _

_ An operating table was at the center of the room, although it looked like it had not be used in several months, at the very least. Operating lights were neatly arranged around the table, like sentinels. A bank of strange electrical equipment was nearby with trays of probes, surgical apparatus and other implements of unknown function. The place vaguely reminded me of Stark's labs but owned by a scientist more unhinged than he. There were some animatronic materials that looked like a metallic mannequin. I recall several arms, left arms to be exact, lined up on the workbench. _

_One workstation contained neat rows of various bottles and syringes for injections. Several of the bottles had been moved it appeared by haste. Although I can read Russian, I did not recognize the compounds for any purpose that I could fathom._

_There was the smell of antiseptic, relatively fresh, and a bank of what appeared to be steel coffin-shaped containers lining the wall. Each was attached to what I surmised to be a tank of liquid nitrogen. As I studied the setup for any sign of our mission, I noted one of the coffins was missing in the lot. _

_ A great mess of papers were strewn about the room as if whomever used this space had left in a great hurry. Glancing about, I saw a photo on the floor. It had been stepped on and scuffed but was still clear. Picking it up, I recognised it as the enlistment photo of your good friend James Barnes. It still puzzles me why they would have his photo, being that he is a fallen soldier. I tucked it away for further thought later. _

_ I suppose I can take small comfort that you are both together- the greatest reward a fallen soldier can have is to be with their brothers in arms. I am happy that you are not alone. _

Steve's blood ran cold as the letters fell from his numbed grasp. Suddenly, he was underwater and couldn't breathe as the heaviness of what Peggy had stumbled upon siezed heart with an iron fist, squeezing hard. She had found the room where the Russians had "made" Bucky. From what she wrote, she had been just moments away from his captors as they made their escape.

Rogers stood up abruptly, forcing his body to move away from the terrible revelation on the floor. His stomach felt tight and suddenly sick. Stumbling to the bathroom, he dry heaved for a few moments as the waves of guilt and pain seeped into him like a slow, creeping sickness seeking out all his cracks and flaws.

The crying came next. Great rending sobs of anguish tore themselves from Steve's chest. He cried for Peggy, for Bucky and himself. Peggy _could_ have saved Bucky. He _could_ have had a normal life, perhaps, instead of seventy years of killing for the enemy as a machine of war. That slimmest of misses felt like a boulder of blame crushing Roger's head. How could she have known? She couldn't have. There was no fault for Peggy or her crew, but Steve felt the deep knife of remorse.

Collapsing beside the toilet, back to the bead board wall, Cap hugged his knees to his chest tightly, face buried, just as Bucky had done moments ago, crying. His nose ran and tears stained his pajama pants when he heard a familiar voice, "You ok?"

Hiccupping and trying in vain to regain his composure, Steve looked up at Bucky standing in the doorway of the bathroom, metal arm propped on the frame. The irony was not lost on Rogers. "Yeah." It was his turn to sound damaged.

"Wanna talk about it?" Bucky offered with a kind lopsided smile. Steve ran a hand across his snotty nose and James suddenly saw the small boy he used to know sitting on the floor. His big brother instincts kicked as he approached the super soldier who was an ungraceful heap on the bathroom floor. Crouching down, he put his flesh hand on Cap's knee in support.

Steve looked up in appreciation at his best friend with his blood shot eyes and quoted Bucky from earlier, "They're just memories. Nothing to talk about."

Bucky chuckled softly, leaning away from Steve, "Well, looks like us two old bastards have some memories that won't go away. Let's both get them out of our heads, hmm?" Standing up he offered Rogers a hand, "Get up off the floor you punk. Mamma taught you better than that."

With a small snicker, Steve took the hand and stood up. "I'll make us some coffee."

Barnes stepped out into their family room, "Yeah, and don't make it too light like those … baristas do."

"Ok Buck." Steve replied with humor, wiping the rest of his tears from his cheek as he briefly glanced into his room where the pile of beautiful ivory stationary lay scattered on the floor where he had dropped them. Turning his head, he knew he'd pick them up later and mentally begged Peggy's forgiveness but right now, those ghosts needed to stay right there, in the past.


	8. I Miss You

Peggy's Letters 8

**A/N… so let's lighten up a bit. But just a touch… because when you remember the past, it's always bittersweet. **

"Steve, what in the hell is a 'Frappuccino'? I don't recall that from our tour of Italy. Can't they just call a cuppa joe just that? None of this fancy crap. And my God look at the price!" Bucky stated with an annoyed frown as they passed the fifth Starbucks in their neighborhood.

Rogers smirked at the question as they took a stroll, "Yeah, not the same is it?"

"You're telling me." Barnes replied shoving his hands in his pockets as he walked, "All this up and commin' stuff is… a bunch of garbage. Where's the hard working folks like us?"

"They're all dead." Steve stated flatly but without judgment, glancing at his friend.

"Well… If I had my way, I'd set them all straight. Work for what you want. None of this 'instant gratification' bullshit." Bucky groused.

"Ok, now you do sound your age, if you don't look it." Steve retorted.

"Sorry." Barnes responded, "I'm still getting used to it."

"I know how you feel." Steve replied nudging James' shoulder.

"Only one who does. "Barnes replied with a smile. Steve liked it when Bucky smiled. It meant one more demon was slain in his mind.

* * *

><p>After dinner, back at the apartment, the phone rang. "'Ello." Rogers picked up the phone, not bothering to see the caller I.D. He was old fashioned like that.<p>

"Hello handsome." Sharon's voice replied from the other side. It took Steve a moment to identify the voice. When he did, his cheeks colored crimson.

"Uh, hi, Sharon." Steve tried to recover but he heard her chuckling softly at him.

"It's quittin' time. Wanna grab a drink?" Sharon asked then added before he could reply, "And James can come too."

Steve cleared his throat, "I think that would be nice."

"Eight o'clock. I'll text you the bar. Don't you dare be late." The words hung in his mind as if Sharon's great Aunt Peggy had said them herself. A little different, but the only thing missing was the Stork Club. That place went out business years ago, apparently a victim of the disco and rock and roll age.

"No problem." he said quietly and hung up.

Bucky was doing the dishes, "Who was that?"

"Sharon." Steve replied still a bit misty, "She wanted to know if we wanted to go out tonight for a drink."

"And you of course said yes, right?" Bucky threw over his shoulder his trademark smolder.

Rogers laughed, "Save it for the ladies, old man."

"I got plenty more where that came from. Only dame to turn me down was your Peggy." Barnes replied with slightly bruised tone.

"Yeah. I know. She was too good for you anyway." Cap retorted proudly preening a bit. First time he had ever impressed a lady and he knocked it out of the park.

"Well, I guess I had to save one woman for you, right?" James replied scrubbing the plates clean. They rarely used their dishwasher, force of habit they figured. Mama Barnes would never let some machine do her dishes, like some strange contraption from Howard Stark's Expo.

Rogers joined him in drying the dishes and said tenderly, "She was special."

Barnes paused in his scrubbing and looked over at Steve, "I didn't mean to bring stuff up."

"It's ok. If memories are all I got, I'll take them. Better than not remembering." Steve smiled a thin smile recalling Peggy's dementia at the nursing home, then added on a more upbeat note, "Better than your cheap stories of conquest. You could fill a library with those!"

"Ah shaddup you punk." Barnes pretended to be sore about that dig with a wolfie grin and resumed his scrubbing.

* * *

><p>The bar was crowded but with a fun energy as Steve looked over the heads of the other patrons to Sharon, waving with one arm to him. A hooded person sat next to her in the booth. Edging through the crowd, no one seemed to notice Steve and Bucky so they easily slid into their seats opposite Sharon and her companion.<p>

Sharon's eyes lit up at the sight of Cap and she reached a hand out across the table to squeeze his. Rogers grinned like a schoolboy and Bucky rolled his eyes. The friend pushed back their hood and Natasha's green eyes illuminated in the low light like a cat. Bucky almost launched himself across the table to embrace Widow. She responded in kind, muttering words in Russian. Sharon and Steve exchanged a look.

When the pair finally parted, the waitress came with their round of beers, and Sharon opened a tab. "Hope you don't mind me taking liberties ordering for you, boys."

Swigging back a drink, Bucky replied, "Not at all. I like lady who takes charge." Romanov rolled her eyes at the comment and then blushed as Sharon gave her a look.

"Long week?" Steve asked, embracing his beer and leaving the innuendos alone.

"Sort of. Things are cooking." Sharon said with an edge to her voice and hard glint to her eyes.

"And it's not me doing it for a change." Natasha interjected coolly after a sip.

"But you're so hot." Bucky tried.

Natasha gave him a flat look of rejection while Steve and Sharon burst out laughing.

"What?!" Barnes complained, shrugging his shoulders.

"You get your lines from TV? Or the tabloids? Perhaps New Jersey?" Natasha deadpanned.

"Thought I'd … mix it up a bit." James shrunk back but then expertly deflected the scrutiny by adding, "Did I tell you the time that Steve tried to pick up this dame in high school?"

"Bucky, don't." Steve warned, his eyes darkening.

"C'mon. Let the old grandpa here tell his tales." Natasha teased.

Bucky gave her a sour glance then smiled, leaning in like it was a campfire tale, "It went like this…."

* * *

><p>Barnes stumbled into the apartment, slurring, "This … was fun."<p>

"Sure Buck. Let's get you to bed." Steve steered Barnes in the general direction of his room. James almost tripped a few times but drunkenly wove his way there.

Sitting on the plain bed, a stupid grin on his face, Bucky looked up at Steve, blue eyes unfocused. "I love her. Natasha ROMANOV!" He waved his arms around as if declaring it to the world.

" Shh. I know." Steve replied trying not to chuckle while pulling the jean jacket off Barnes one arm at a time. The left one was always troublesome.

"I think… she loves me too." Barnes sighed, glassy eyed. Free of his coat, Steve bent over to slip off Barnes' shoes. He then gave James a gentle shove toward the pillow. James complied by falling over.

Steve looked down at his drunk friend and grinned knowing how he'd feel in the morning, "G'night Buck."

"Stevie… " Bucky yawned and Cap paused at the doorway.

"What?" Rogers asked turning out the light.

"Peggy… she really loves you too. Too… stubborn … too British. J'us like you. 'Cept for the British part. You're goddammed Captain AMERICA!" Bucky babbled, "But she loves you too. Peggy does… love you. G'night." Rolling over, the snores were not far away.

Steve's breath caught at his last comment. Obviously, Barnes was confused as to what decade he was in but the statement's honesty hit it's mark.

"I love her too, Bucky." Steve whispered and closed the door behind him.

_May 1946_

_Steve, _

_I wanted to share with you that you are missed. I recognize I'm only telling this to myself at this point, but it makes me feel better to know I don't bear my sorrow of loss alone. _

_The night before our Russian mission, we camped in Latvia. Around the fire were the Commandos and the SSR Agents. All of us had seen action in the war, but Dum Dum simply had to open his large, pardon my expression, Yankee mouth. It was as if we were all transported back to those times of camaraderie as soldiers rather than separated by rank and gender. _

_He retold the amusing stories, not the harsh battle tales, from the front lines after you lead them in wiping out Hydra bases. I learned some very valuable insights about you from his tales. _

_It was not to my knowledge that one day you had fallen into a snow-covered pond, soaking yourself to the skin. To prevent hypothermia, the Commandos looked for dry clothing for you and all that was found was old farm woman's drying clothes. To hear Dum Dum describe you in a babushka with such stunning detail was a real pleasure. _

Steve frowned, annoyed at first but then the memory blossomed forth and he had to laugh at himself. They had been just inside the Austrian border when Steve heard a crack under his feet. Without time to react, the crack became a hole through the ice into which he fell, over his head.

**Barnes yelled, "Steve!" The Commandos ran to the scene, skidding to a halt before they too fell in. **

**Sputtering up to the surface, Cap called back," NO! Stay back!" he managed to gasp out, his chest seized with the cold as the water worked its way into his uniform. Using his shield as a lever, Rogers hauled himself out of the water onto the ice. Inching bit by bit, he finally felt pine needles under his shield and gladly rolled onto dry land. **

"**Get'm warm! Build a fire!" Jones shouted out as the men scrambled for wood. It was risky, being so close to enemy lines, but if they didn't warm Cap up, he'd be dead within an hour or two. **

**Soon, all of the men put together a small bonfire for Rogers, who sat silent, only his teeth chattering with cold. A light snow began to fall. **

"**You do know chaps, we need to get him out of those wet clothes." Falsworth volunteered graciously. **

"**I..I … not… gettin' nnnnaked out here!" Rogers protested between shudders. **

"**I'm afraid pal, you don't have a choice." Barnes seconded. "We gotta get you warm and dry."**

**Jacques stepped up and informed, "****Il ya une ferme non loin d'ici . Je parie que nous pouvons trouver quelque chose pour lui à l'usure." **

"**You want us to steal clothes from a farm?" Morita said incredulously. "Have you seen the size of Cap?" The men chuckled appreciatively then became serious again. **

"**I am sure the household wouldn't mind donating a few things." Bucky commented dryly, "Let's move before we're found here. Steve, stay right here."**

"**Nnnot sure….I can… move. Too cold!" Steve chattered out with a grin. Bucky clapped him on the wet shoulder and picked up his rifle.**

**The Commandos returned with an armload of fabric. Steve could neither tell if it was male or female clothes but they were dry. **

**Dum Dum, in the most serious face he could muster, approached Rogers, "Cap, it was a difficult undertaking but we found you some clothes." Steve brightened, "But … they are ladies dresses." Dum Dum couldn't repress the laugh he was holding in any longer. **

"**I … am … nnnnot! " Steve protested loudly as he huddled near the flames.**

"**C'mon man. You danced for hundreds of people before. A bit of skirt shouldn't bother you." Gabe chortled crossing his arms over his chest, "How's that go? The star spangled man with a plan?"**

"**Only skirt he'll ever get!" Bucky seconded. Rogers cut him a dirty look. **

"**You all…aaaree a bunch of … assholes." Rogers chattered out again, glaring at them all. **

"**And the only assholes you'd call friends." James concluded with a brotherly look at Rogers. **

Steve blinked at the recollection. He had stripped to the skin to let his uniform dry and stood in front of the fire in several old dresses and a woolen wrap about this shoulders. On his head was a thin wool scarf tied below his chin.

"**Ugliest woman I've ever seen." Morita frowned. **

"**Yeah, even during the Depression I had better clothes than that." Gabe commented. **

"**Shudup and feel lucky it wasn't you." Steve groused. **

"**Aww lighten up … Stephanie." Barnes sniggered. **

"**You know when we get home, you all are going to pay dearly for this." Rogers warned them all, pointing from under his woolen wrap. **

_When we all get home_…. Steve trailed off in his thoughts. With a sigh, he looked down at the letters again.

_Dum Dum took the liberty of sharing the tale with us that your friend Barnes had occupied a tree with a bear once. Taking up a sniping position, James was unaware a young bear was up the tree ahead of him looking at a bees nest. To hear it told, it was amazing both he and the bear survived! _

After being depreciated, Steve lightened up at the Peggy's comment.

**That spring Barnes had scouted ahead of the Commandos to look for a suitable tree to climb and get a good sniper spot. Steve walked ahead of the group of men, as he always did when he heard yelling and then a single gunshot. **

**All the Commandos ran toward the scene, guns drawn, thinking the worst. Instead, looking up the large oak tree was Barnes, dangling by a branch, his rifle fallen and had discharged. Above him by a few feet on a different branch was a yearling black bear yowling and raising a fuss. **

"**Help me you idiots!" Barnes yelled down to his friends.**

"**Looks like you made a pal there, Buck." Cap returned admiring his friend's discomfort. **

"**Yeah …yeah. Just help me get down before he kills me!" Bucky sputtered out looking up at the bear and then to the ground nervously. **

"**Aww.. he's kinda cute. The bear I mean." Dum Dum commented dryly. **

**The small bear made a move down the tree closer to James, which elicited a frightened yell from Barnes, "HEY! HELP me!" **

"**What's wrong? Lil' guy scare you?" Morita laughed, "Bucky and his Bear."**

"**Sounds like a fairy tale." Gabe grinned. **

"**Not funny! STEVE!" Barnes barked as his grip began to loosen. **

"**Gravity eventually will have its way with him." Falsworth observed. **

"**Je gues nous devrions l'aider." Derneir responded. **

"**You're right. I guess we can't leave him hanging around." Cap smiled. **

**Just as Rogers said that, Bucky's hands slipped off the branch. **

**It was a good thing that Rogers and Barnes had spent many a childhood day playing on fire escapes in Brooklyn because Bucky expertly tucked and rolled with the momentum, just like they used to. **

**The bear shimmied down the trunk shortly after and taking one good look at the men, ran in the opposite direction, still squalling. **

"**Thanks for nothing." Barnes muttered to all of them, dusting himself off. "Damn thing could have killed me."**

"**It was a baby bear, not a grizzly. You were scared of a cub." Dum Dum returned, handing Barnes his rifle back.**

"**Well, I'm from Brooklyn and the sewer rats are the same size." James replied grouchily. **

"**It's ok. You're secret is safe with us. Bucky is scared of bears." Cap clapped his friend's shoulder. The rest of the team smirked good-naturedly. **

"**Shuddup, punk." Barnes shrugged off his hand. **

"**Ok, Bucky bear." Steve finished as James cut him a murderous look. **

_Steve. You are so missed. Missed by Dum Dum and the rest of the team. We all move on together, yet far apart. We were thinking about you in Russia and I am sure we will continue to hold your memory close as long as we all live. _

_My burden is not carried alone. _

_I miss you, _

_Peggy. _

Somewhere in his heart, he felt that love from the Commandos and Peggy. He knew it came from Bucky too and Natasha and Sharon. With that emotional end he folded up the letters, placing them back in his nightstand. Climbing into bed, he turned off his light and closed his eyes feeling less lonely than usual. He was missed.


	9. Broken Pieces

Broken Pieces.

**A/N- this one is a bit out of sequence, assuming after the show ends that Peggy's written legacy keeps turning up, and it's an oddball being that it's not addressed to Steve per se. Ivchenko gives me the creeps… I got to write him. **

"Steve." Bucky called from his bedroom, tone slightly anxious.

"Yeah?" Rogers looked up from the living room where he was reading the _New York Times_.

"I need to go see Stark. My arm needs some… recalibration." Bucky stepped out from the room in a sleeveless undershirt. His left arm bristled like some mechanical porcupine. Bucky held it at a distance from himself like it would bite him.

Cap stared at it for a moment, disturbed then blinked, "What the hell did you do to it?"

"I dunno. I just pushed a button." Barnes responded sheepishly, shrugging with his right, "Never had to worry about maintenance …before."

"Let me get my coat." Rogers sighed, folding his paper.

* * *

><p>Avengers Tower was calm. Instead of going up, they headed down into Stark's vault where he kept his surplus parts and miscellaneous items from his father's inventive days.<p>

"So what happened? Stick your finger in a light socket? Eat some spicy food? Have some more PTSD?" Stark commented as Bucky and Steve exited the elevator car. His arms were lightly crossed over his chest, the arc reactor glowing softly, and his classic sarcastic expression seemed a bit sharper than usual.

Steve narrowed his eyes an equally sharp reply on his lips. Being the bigger man, he swallowed it down. He never really liked coming to Tony for help. He was more brilliant than his dad but lacked, in Cap's opinion, some social graces. Stark would jest that Rogers was just stuck in the past. Rogers reasoned that it helped normal people be social instead of assholes. Typically they both agreed to disagree on that last point.

"Not sure, Tony." Bucky responded trying to keep his tone civil while walking toward the billionaire. Bucky was no fan of Stark either for many of the same reasons that Steve held. However, Tony had one more grudge and that was that allegedly Barnes killed his parents when he was the Winter Soldier. That issue never really resolved itself entirely between them.

"I guess it doesn't matter anyway. Work is never done for a creative genius like me." Stark sniffed like a courtesan while patting a lab stool chair next to a workbench. An array of shiny, wicked looking tools were set out on the stainless steel surface like a twisted surgeons toolbox. Bucky took a careful seat, setting his left arm cautiously on the table.

Putting on a pair of magnifier glasses, Tony appraised the situation like the fine mechanic he was, hands flying up in frustration. "Holy hell. Barnes, you sure you weren't doing anything kinky with this arm? Like arm wrestling Capcicle here or something?"

James gave him a stern look, "No."

"Well, vintage man, I'm going to have to get some really, really old parts to fix this. Excuse me." Tony put the glasses down and stood up from his stool heading toward a more shadowy part of his basement. As Tony entered the area, lights came on automatically.

Steve and Bucky peered down the vast rows of shelving housing boxes and crates of spare parts. Steve recognized some army green SSR crates from the 1940's. His curiosity was aroused. "I'm going to see if Mr. Wonderful needs any help."

"Thanks. Leave me here like a car on a jack?" Bucky quipped.

"Yeah. Something like that." Steve threw over his shoulder as he walked to Stark.

Tony was deep down the middle of a row, shelves stacked twenty feet high, crammed with surplus parts. He was examining his smart phone, frowning.

"Lose something? Or is your memory not as good as it used to be?" Steve said trying to be polite but it was difficult.

Stark ignored him and spoke to the air, "J.A.R.V.I.S., where are the Winter Soldier parts?"

Rogers froze in place. Stark had spare parts for Bucky?

"Sir, they are one row over in aisle K and shelf 10." The immaculate voice of J.A.R.V.I.S responded echoing over their heads.

Stark moved quickly to that location. Steve, still dumfounded, had to catch up before he was left behind.

"Tony! Wait!" Steve called. When Tony stopped at the location, his fingers were raised pointing at the boxes as he read the labels intently. Steve asked him in incredulity, "You have Winter Soldier parts? How?"

Stark found what he was looking for and pulled out a long green wood crate stamped with antiquated codes that neither of them recognized except the black stenciled SSR on the lid. He set it on the floor before them.

Finally, Tony gave Steve his attention with a cutting look, "I've got things in here that would blow your little pre-Cold War mind."

"Hyperbole aside, Tony, why **do** you have all this SSR stuff?" Rogers narrowed his eyes.

"Haven't you heard of Army Surplus? Get great stuff cheap!" Stark turned to the crate and lifted the lid. Inside was a brand new silver arm exactly like the one attached to Bucky. Steve exhaled in disbelief. "Let's just say this surplus is one of the few gifts my father left me courtesy of your gal, Peggy." A pained look quickly passed over his expression but then he became impersonal again. "I'll scavenge this one for parts. Probably be an entire rebuild, but that's ok, I welcome a challenge. Things have been slow here as of late." Tony rambled as he lifted the arm out of the crate and began to walk back to Bucky, not noticing Steve wasn't following, "It will be a while for the fix. You'll be staying for lunch. Hmm… Gotta warn Pepper. She loves to entertain guests. J.A.R.V.I.S. tell Pepper we have guests for lunch."

"Yes, sir." The omnipresent voice complied.

Rogers was intently staring at the manila folder that had been below the new bionic arm. It was stamped SSR and had Peggy's handwriting on it.

Bending down, he picked it up and saw the date: June 1946, the two months after she and the infant SSR took a secrete mission to Russia to corner Tony's father in an arms deal. The deal never happened but a certain Russian scientist came back with them. Howards' name was cleared and Rogers wasn't certain how but the SSR became Stark seniors' second job.

Opening the folder he took out the yellowed pages, handling them delicately. Folding his legs beneath him, he sat down on the cool, smooth concrete floor. It was typed but Peggy's words flowed through to him as if they were a hand written letter.

_SSR Report # 19460514_

_Agent Margaret Carter_

_Re: Dr. Ivchenko, Black Widow Program, Winter Soldier Program _

_ Upon Chief Dooley's death and Agent Thompson's promotion to Chief, we have had the opportunity to review the various pieces of intelligence gathered from the covert mission to Russia conducted in April. The goal is to apprehend him and his accomplice last known as Dottie Underwood. _

_ Dr. Ivchenko is considered a Public Enemy # 1 and is now on the Most Wanted list of not only the SSR but also the FBI, CIA and all local police precincts. _

_ It was made exceptionally clear that all law enforcement use extreme precautions against listening to Dr. Ivchenko as he apparently has the ability to sway men's thoughts and actions via the use of some sort of hypnotism or powers of suggestion. All SSR agents have been issued emergency ear protection for this purpose. _

_Dr. Ivchenko was a clinical psychologist who worked at the University of Leningrad before World War II. He pioneered a way to control minds and relieve or cause suffering through suggestive thought. His primary interest was in how to help control men in combat more effectively after observing the outcomes of the Great War. He published several papers on the topic but because they were written in Russian and Stalin did not want the Russian intelligentsia to be diluted, his work never left Russia. _

_ There is a brief note that he was approached by HYDRA during the siege of Leningrad but the Russian army shielded him by taking him underground to become part of Leviathan. _

Steve looked up briefly from the report, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. Leviathan was not a group he was a familiar with. It was one more reminder of something he missed while under the ice. He made a mental note to read up on that or search Peggy's other letters for information about them.

_I interrogated the doctor with Chief Dooley present at the time about the girl we found and the dormitory. Unfortunately, my efforts were rebuffed by Chief Dooley. It was later understandable being that he was under Ivchenko's control at that time. What I did discover was he had written a program of 'study' for young orphan girls to become masters of disguise and fill their heads with subliminal messages so they could seamlessly integrate themselves into any situation. _

_ In addition, he proscribed a regimen of hard physical labor, combat training and complete desensitization to pain, both emotional and physical. _

_ He called them the Black Widows. Only the best of the selected girls were chosen to use that title. The others were killed. _

Rogers again broke eye contact with the paper. He imagined Natasha at the whims of this program being beaten, tortured and mentally abused by the handlers. The thought of her as a child handcuffed to a bed, without enough to eat, forced to kill her classmates made his stomach turn. What kind of man creates these horrors? A monster, just like the rest of them, Steve concluded with a frown.

Romanov's face filled his vision at the moment she had asked him if he would trust her after they escaped death at the hands of the corrupted STRIKE team. He said yes, he would. At that singular moment, he could see the real woman she was, not the cold hearted killer she had been trained to be. She thought she had been doing the right thing for years with S.H.I.E.L.D. only find out that they still had their hands in her head. What kind of strength would it take for someone to break that kind of mental control from all those years of abuse?

Look what Bucky is doing now, he reminded himself, and she lives with it every day too.

Diving back, he skimmed over details although knowing Peggy had typed this made his heart feel warm. Suddenly, a shadow cast itself across Steve. Looking up, he saw Bucky standing there, his arm repaired. Rogers tried quickly to hide the file.

"No use, punk. I saw it." Bucky said with a grin, "Always crappy at hiding stuff."

"It's nothin'. Really." Cap tried to pass it off.

"No. It's something. Stark told me about it." James said, the backlight making his features dark and ominous.

Rogers swallowed unsure of how Bucky would react, "Did you want to… read it?"

"Nah. I know what it says." James looked over Steve's head down the aisle as if his memories were stored there. There probably were several. " I lived it. Tasha lived it."

Steve remained sitting because he didn't trust his legs or voice, "Did you know… Peggy.. almost found you?"

Barnes smiled a big grin that reminded Cap of Dum Dum, "Did she? That would have been something."

"Yeah. I was reading … some stuff. She reported that she came across the room where…." Rogers faltered.

Bucky squatted down and looked at Steve in the eye, "Steve, it's ok. It's in the past. She didn't fail me and neither did you."

"That is kind of you to say. I bet she would have rescued you if she had known." Rogers whispered staring at the floor.

"I bet she would have kicked ass too." Barnes stood up flexing his left arm. It moved smoothly, shining like quicksilver in the low light. "Are we done here or do I have to tolerate any more stories about his dad in the SSR days in this pit of _Mythbusters_ spare parts?"

Steve stood up and tucked the file into his bomber jacket. "_Mythbusters_?"

"Never mind, Steve. I think I watch too much TV." Barnes shook his head at his best friend. He then gave Cap a conspiratorial smile, "Not sure why you want to keep reading about the past but suit yourself."

"I just wonder…" Cap mused. Fury had sent them on a nearly SNAFU'd mission a few weeks ago, and Stark was acting like a caged tiger today more so than usual. What was going on?

"You mean you're going to read what Peggy dug up on me? Some old flames or somethin'?" James joked. Cap looked at him sideways; Bucky got serious, "Steve. I know about Peggy's letters. And that file. Anytime you want to know, you can ask me, though I don't recall everything. "

Rogers stopped Bucky mid stride by grabbing his arm while still in the aisle, "What?!"

"I'm not snooping!" Barnes raised his arms in supplication, "Tasha told me. She's the one who gave them to you right?"

"Damn those sneaky Russians…. " Steve began to curse under his breath.

"Yeah, well I have a feeling it's about to get a lot worse." James confided and then put a photo smile on his face as they came into the light of the main room.

* * *

><p>"So, Steve. Tell me how things have been?" Pepper asked as she passed a bowl of chips to Rogers at their table. She had set a quick lunch of sandwiches and sides out for the men and herself.<p>

"Quiet. It's been nice." Rogers replied taking the bowl and helping himself to some corn chips.

"And you, James? Therapy has been going well?" Pepper continued, glancing briefly at her brooding fiancé.

"It's Bucky." Barnes said, "Yes, thanks for asking. I'm about the same as Steve. Nice and quiet…'cept for about a month ago."

"What happened then?" Stark perked up leveling a look at Barnes.

"Fury. Had some things for us to do." James replied guarding his expression.

"It was really nothing. Just a dead end." Cap inserted quickly.

"Funny." Tony leaned back in his chair, "That was about the same time I had some projects of interest go bust for me."

"Are you suggesting a correlation?" Rogers asked. Pepper's mouth was set in a thin line.

"Perhaps. Fury always has a way of mucking up things for me." Tony laid it out there.

"Well, being that we were almost killed, I doubt that." Barnes interjected, never being the subtle one.

"Almost killed? That's serious." Pepper commented.

"Yeah. Bad intelligence. The bad guys were _waiting_ for us." Barnes almost glared across the table at Tony.

"Pepper, this was really nice of you to feed us and all, but we gotta get going. So sorry. Tony, thanks for the help today. Hopefully he won't break it in the near future." Cap stood up putting his hand on Bucky's shoulder, pulling him back from the table. Barnes stood up.

"No problem, gentlemen. Don't do anything I wouldn't do with that arm. I don't have too many spare parts left over for your antique." Stark had his best game face on and an almost feral smile. Pepper looked pissed at all the men as Steve and Bucky departed.

"Why do you have to be such a jerk all the time?" She scowled at him and left the table.

Stark sat silent, chin in hand, and thought, _because if I'm not, the past will come back to haunt me._


	10. The Way You Look Tonight

Peggy's Letters 10

**A/N A touch of Ultron here… And a nice wrap up for our Best Gal, Peggy Carter. And some comment on the Easter Eggs left at the end of 1.08. (chant with me… season 2 season 2 season 2!)**

Steve and Bucky caught a cab back to Brooklyn and decided to take a walk to cool off their tempers from lunch before heading home.

"What an ass." Bucky muttered.

"Me or someone else?" Cap tried to smile.

"Punk. Shuddup." Bucky ribbed back, "You know, while he was fixing me I saw a lot of tech that looked banged up real bad. Like some of those _things _we saw when we went in for Fury."

"Those weird robot things?" Cap asked as he adjusted his bomber jacket with the file still inside.

"Yeah." James replied and then went silent. Steve wondered quietly what the hell Stark was up to and why Nick wanted it stopped so badly.

After a few blocks of quiet, only the city providing the soundtrack, Barnes broke it, "Those letters. They helping you any?"

Steve looked at his friend, a boyish smile over his lips, "Wait. You're asking _me_ if I need help?"

"I can't stay broken forever. Neither can you." Bucky replied honestly.

"They are… interesting." Steve gazed down the street, "They have a lot of feeling to them. Like I'm there with her."

Barnes nodded in agreement, "Wanna get take out tonight and look over them together…. if that is not too intrusive."

Rogers regarded at his best friend and clapped him on the shoulder, "That would be fine with me. A little walk down memory lane for both of us."

"I want to see what I missed." James gave a sad smile..

"It's called Google." Cap replied and they turned the corner to their apartment.

* * *

><p>The Thai take out was cleaned up and the two men sat at the kitchen table under the overhead light, beers in hand looking through the SSR file Steve had pilfered from Stark. Both of them knew that Stark knew they had it, but didn't care. In the background, a spinning vinyl record played some Big Band classics softly.<p>

Bucky paged through the SSR reports of various missions Peggy and Jack Thompson had undertaken. Laughing in hindsight at some, growing quiet and introspective at others, he commented after finishing one case, "Leviathan was shut down. All thanks to Peggy."

"It appears so. I wonder how _that_ went over at the office." Rogers answered with a knowing look, flipping over a few schematics in the file.

"I'd bet it wasn't a champagne reception for her." James commented dryly then he added after a swallow of beer, "Then the boogie men became Hydra." The bitterness in Bucky's voice was thinly veiled.

"Yeah. To think they put Zola in the same cage as Fennhoff." A frown formed over Steve's face like a thunderstorm recalling all the pain that Zola had wrecked over his and James' life in the past century.

"What was Phillips thinking?" Bucky eyes glazed a bit with the beer.

"Whatever Zola promised to tell them or make for them outweighed any caution that he was a double agent. Or he was an amazing liar." Steve reasoned although it was a pathetic line of logic, it had already passed as history.

"And Natasha." Bucky snorted with disgust, "What kind of man does that to children?"

"Make them natural born killers?" Rogers asked rhetorically, "A very sick and twisted one."

"And dead." James added.

"As far as I know you and I are the only time travelers here." Steve affirmed. "Here, put these files away. All they will do is raise your blood pressure. Read some of these instead." He held out the letters from Peggy reverently.

James looked at them and then at Steve his eyes dark, "You know, you don't have to do this."

"Yes. I do. Some of this is your history too. And I want you to see how I got along with the gal who never gave you more than a glance." Steve said with some satisfaction in his tone.

"For the record… She was the ONLY one to resist my charm." Bucky accepted the letters gently.

"If that's what you want to _call_ it." Rogers agreed sarcastically, not raising his eyes from the last letter in the stack. He hadn't read this one yet.

_ July 1946_

_Dearest Steve, _

_ I apologise for the passing of time between my last letter and this one but I have been rather busy. Imagine that, a woman busy at the SSR with tasks that have nothing to do with the alphabet or caffeinated beverages. _

_ Jack Thompson is our Chief now, as it was expected to be and Howard Stark is back in our good graces. It was he I was protecting all this time because that fool of a man is one of three who actually respect me for who I am. With some hard work and determination, plus a shattered interrogation room window, I proved him innocent of conspiracy. _

_Howard searched for you in the North Atlantic for weeks after the _Valkyrie_ went down. He found the Tesseract, but never your plane. That guilt of being so intelligent and gifted yet so helpless has remained with him for a very long time. It is only recently he has been able to put it to rest and resume something of a normal life, creating insane inventions for good, instead of war. _

Steve paused. He and Howard were not fast friends, but more so than he and his son. Stark was part of Project Rebirth and without him, Rogers would still be some shrimp getting beat in back alleys. Cap rubbed his chin thoughtfully and reflected on their friendship. He was deeply touched that Stark had looked for him just to see if, perhaps, his friend was alive out there in the ice.

_ Leviathan is dead, but I worry about 'Dottie' or whatever her name may be if she has one. She fights like a hellcat, better than any man I've ever encountered and she got away. I'm not sure what her next target will be, or if she will 'snap out' of her programming. Either way, I will not rest well until she is captured. _

_ Another matter on my radar are the files we uncovered not only about the Black Widow program, but something called the 'Winter Soldier'. There are vague references to creating almost automatonic men to fight for the Russians as if they were not made of flesh and blood. Fennhoff's notes are incomplete and ambiguous but I have a persistent feeling that it somehow is connected to the photo of your best friend, James Barnes, I found on the floor in the Russian lab. What that association is, I am not clear, being that Sgt. Barnes is deceased. It is a puzzling matter. _

Rogers noted the pause in her handwriting and a subtle change in the slant of her letters suggesting that she may have become saddened at this point.

_Jarvis gave me your last vial of blood. I owe him deeply for that gift as he used subterfuge to obtain it. He is a man of high standards and deep morals. I am honoured to have worked with him and to call him a friend. _

_ I took the vial to the Brooklyn Bridge at sunset. There, I said goodbye with the last remaining part of you I possessed and poured the vial into the river. No longer could people pervert what you had been and what you are to me. _

Steve closed his eyes and imagined the sight; the skyline not as big as today, the old river tugs navigating the waters, the bridge not clogged with earsplitting traffic. As a boy, he recalled how peaceful it was to be up on the bridge lifted away from the grime of the city and able to take the borough of Manhattan in as the last rays of sun melted into the west.

How lovely Peggy must have looked with her chocolate hair and red lips. A light breeze would have tickled her cheek. He was confident she didn't eulogize him with an outpouring of words but maybe just a phrase or two, perhaps. Rogers imagined that some of those words were 'I love you'. Cap felt hot tears pooling in his eyes but blinked them away. Bucky didn't seem to notice as he was deeply reading other letters.

_ I am starting a new chapter in my life with Agent Daniel Sousa. We have had a shared mutual respect for each other since my beginning with the SSR. He is a wonderful man with many of the same qualities you possessed, Steve. Daniel is a man of good heart and sense of purpose. I think that I like him well enough. We will have to see where this takes us. _

_ In no way can any man replace you, Steve. You were always my one, my true and first love. I have always known my worth, but you were the first to appreciate it with honor, humility and grace. For that life lesson, I will forever be grateful. _

_ I miss you Steve in so many ways. I look forward to the day we will meet again. _

_ Always Yours, _

_ Peggy Carter _

Rogers pushed back from the table in disbelief, almost forgetting where he was. Bucky looked across at him, "You ok?"

"Why?" Rogers' voice cracked.

"You're crying." James observed, concerned.

Steve realized that the tears he thought he blinked back were streaming down his face like small rivers cutting canyons through his heart. With a lopsided smile and half sob, half laugh he put the letters down, "I don't know Buck. I don't know."

"Need some air?" James asked putting his reading on the table.

Steve took several deep breaths, wiping his hands up and down his face. "You know, I didn't think about her moving on. But right now, it just hit me." He glanced to where Peggy's black and white photo sat on the console table by the front door. "She did it. Without me."

"I know. It's hard to understand." Bucky sympathized.

"She lived her life. Lived it fully and completely. And I'm sure she did it with some damn style. I just hope that guy loved her as much as I do." Steve was openly crying now, head in his hands staring down at the floor, tears dripping off his nose.

"Maybe it's time for you to let go too, Steve." James stood up and went to his friend putting an arm around Rogers' shoulders that were shaking up and down with sobs.

"I miss her, Buck. I miss her so bad." Rogers mumbled between catching breaths.

"I know. Even I miss her and she never gave me time of day." James tried to lighten the mood.

A half hiccup and laugh came from Steve, who looked up at his best friend, eyes red rimmed and nose running, "I guess I got to let go."

"You've come full circle, just about, pal." Barnes let Cap go and gave him a brotherly shove in the shoulder. He handed Steve a box of tissues.

"Yeah, I just wish it didn't hurt like hell." Rogers agreed as he wiped his eyes. The record played "The Way You Look Tonight". Both men looked at the record player as if it was an ironic twist of fate for that song to be playing.

"Steve, I'm here for you. I have no plans of going anywhere." Bucky stated.

"I know, Buck. I know. We have each other. I'm grateful for that." Rogers replied.

"Punk." Bucky smirked.

"Jerk." Cap returned clearing his throat and gathering the letters together neatly, putting them into their envelope. Rising and going into his bedroom, he placed them in the special box that was below his shield holding all his WWII mementos. _Goodbye, Darling_, he thought to himself, _and thank you. _

**A/N 2: for you young-uns, Angie gets excited for the phones in each room at the end of 1.08 because "back in the day" you had to BUY or RENT the PHONE FROM the phone company, in addition to paying to use it. It was only relatively recently a person could have any handset to use on their landline without paying some sort of gratuity to the phone company. So for Howard to have phones in EVERY room of his residence was quite lush. **


End file.
